Darkness imprisoning me

"A cynical bastard"...yea,that was it!That was the most recent accolade I received.more than that,Mandu said I define the phrase.In fact,the way it was said was,"...so-n-so is almost as cynical as Avichal".needless to say,it has got me thinking.Sometimes I think about the things that get me thinking,which means there are a lot of such things.I do think a lot,which is the probably the first sign of a defeatist attitude.
There is no doubt that I'm a pessimist,a perennially depressed soul who is more often than not in the wallowing-in-self-pity mode.but then,there's no cure to it,cos I enjoy sadness.I kno thts sad,but its enjoyable all the same.anyhow,the reason for my latest bout of depression was somewhat more valid than the usual ones.We're fuckin outcasts in our batch,for fuck's sake!that would have been reason enuf to think of devising new ways of comitting suicide for a true doomsayer,or genocide maybe.but then,somehow i know better,thoh i dont know how.
So i show them the finger,but I'm depressed nonetheless,cos I ask myself why??whats the reason for all the bitterness surrounding me?I conclude they're all assholes,which is another reason to be in blue funk.I'm surrounded by assholes!!what did I do to deserve this fate?
Anyway,like I said before,I love it anyway.I've been listening to haunting music,reading fuckin weird literature,and enjoying it like never before....
I've always maintained depression brings out the best in artists.Roger Waters probably authenticises that philosophy like none else.but then,there are others too.Kafka in literature,Edvard Munch in Art.Munch,in fact,became a more cheerful person towards the latter part of his life,but thereby lost the magic in his art.Floyd's lyrics,in the post-Waters era,became more positive in their message,no more gloomy preoccupations with themes of war and madness,a more cheerful outlook with songs like "learning to fly" and "coming back to life".
but it was hardly the Floyd sound ever again.and Kafka,shiiit maaaan!just read "The Metamorphosis" and am still reeling from the blow.
and finally,to end this depressing post,lines from my favorite suicidal lyrics:
Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut