Who wants to live forever?

Mama,oooooohh......I don't wanna die,
Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Words just keep ringing in my head.It's a great,great song really.But the words assumed a new meaning for me last sem,when the news came.

IIT Kanpur student commits suicide.

It was a junior of mine.I never actually met him.I heard his name only after his death.But then I saw his face in the papers,and I became cold.Of course I knew him.So what if I'd never talked to him.But I'd seen him around plenty of times.He lived in the same hostel as me for an entire fuckin year.
Of course I knew him.

Why did he do it? Nobody will ever know,I suspect.Reportedly,he called his house minutes before he took the drastic step,and didn't really give a hint of the turbulence in his head to anybody.Academics?His CPI was a more than decent 8.Some people say that he mugged all the time and still couldn't get beyond 8.That he was frustrated with getting a 'B' in every damn subject.I want to believe it,but i can't.

What bothers me about it?everythingI guess.I guess everyone is disturbed by a suicide.But I have this rather disturbing thought at times.What if the cause wasn't really as big and he had realized this before he died?

He jumped from the 6th floor to his death.I'm a mild acrophobic.Part of what scares me about heights is the time it takes to reach the ground.I recall jumping from the 3m diving board in a swimming pool and the part I hated most was when I was suspended in air and was conscious enough to realize it.This is what brings me to think;he jumped from the 6th floor.Perhaps he was guided by an extrememly strong impulse,thought that is highly unlikely.But still,I shudder to imagine that he might just have regretted his decision after he had actually jumped.What if that was the case?What if while he was travelling through air,perfectly conscious that those were the last few seconds of his life,he started to think that maybe he shouldn't have done this? That it wasn't so bad after all,whatever it was.Maybe his life was flashing rapidly before his eyes,maybe he had in his mind an image of himself as an infant and his mother holding his hand.Maybe at that very moment,he thought he wanted to see his mother again,and again and again.The brief time in which he hit the ground,then,would have been unbearbly torturous.I keep thinking about it.Just can't get the thought out of my head.

Mama, I'm falling from the sky
mama, did it need to be so high?

When will I ever hit the ground?
now my mind is beginning to wander around...

...my life,I don't want it to flash
before my eyes,I just wanna crash

I don't know what I'm doing,I'm sorry
in death,as in life,I will be a worry

But please please don't cry for me
just look up at the sky for me

I'll not be near,I'll be very far
I don't even know if I'll be a shining star

But I'll see you from the sky
Oh Mama,I don't wanna say godbye

Why did I choose to die
Mama,I'm still falling from the sky...