Disclaimer: The title is rather obviously inspired from His Holiness Himesh Reshammiya's chartbusting titty-shakin-ass-kickin track "I love you O Sayonee". Please don't sue me O Lord!
Somebody is spreading rumours about me in the office and I've gotta find out who it is before the company closes down! If your pea-sized excuse for a brain finds it hard to make the connection, let me make it easier for you by explaining the kind of rumours doing the rounds. Apparently I'm being projected as a hard and efficient worker who should be staffed on all important projects! At least this is what a very senior employee said in our first meeting for a very important project.
"I have been told that you guys are the best resources available for this project"
And almost instantaneously, I lost all respect for the project.
As if this wasn't enough, I was staffed along with another new joinee to compile one of the most important reports regarding the project. At least that is what they told us! But I kept noticing signs to the contrary. Most of the reports were to be sent to the country head for QC (That's Quality Check, you uninitiated assholes!)
Ours wasn't one of them.
Heck, nobody even bothered to ask us about the progress till the very last minute!
But of course, every other day we were routinely warned that the work is very important and we simply can't afford to screw it up! Then help us not to, for fuck's sake!
Then, after about a week of scrambling our apparently-very-capable-brains, we were informed in a group meeting that a lot of research has already been performed in the particular sector and all we have to really do is sift through the previous reports and look for the relevant material!
So much for 'best resources available'!
I believe the conversation went something like this during the staffing exercise:
"This is a very important project"
"You couldn't be more right, our asses are in danger!"
"I wouldn't want to put your sweet ass in danger!"
"Aww,come 'ere you..."
(half an hour later)
"Phew, nice fucking eh?"
"I'll say"
"Hey, what about the staffing?"
"Oh we've already done that, I just called this meeting to... y'know"
"Aww, come 'ere you...."
(another half hour later)
"Bascially there's just this one sector where we already have all the material but we just have to repackage it to fool our hapless client into giving us more money."
"Hmm...looks like the kind of work that some new joinees may find interesting."
"Hey that's a great idea! Ooh I love your ideas, come 'ere you..."
"Easy babe, it may be a while before I can get it up again!"
"Oh sorry dahling!"
"Anyway, have you noticed any particularly clueless ones in the recent lot?"
"Yea I think there are many of that kind. Anyone who joins this company is clueless anyway"
"Ok put them on this and don't forget to put undue pressure on their sorry asses by overemphasizing the importance of the project"
"Oh you're so naughty! Come 'ere you...."
"Gawd did you descend from rabbits? Bloody nymph!"
What was I talking about?
5 comments:
you are such a good blogger...come 'ere you.....heheheh
the best thing i get during each and every line delivered sessions (that's introduction to a certain trade for the uninitiated) :
"I am not here to tell you details, rather i will just try to give you a flavour of what I do"
It's like everybody stinks at their respective jobs and is here to spread the joy!!!
Rather amusing was one such "line" delivered:
So this corporal bonaparte walks up with his team standing at the back of the batch to ensure nobody is doing the usual (playing solitaire, freecell, websudoku, orkutting etc). Then he goes on about how Rana Samgram won battles with one arm and eye and how Captain Nelson was victorious because he took risks. Then went on to tell us how he got his "fingers chopped off and bled" (metaphorically, equivalent to heavy monetary loss) in his trading days enduring all the pain. The final blow was how he did not feel the pain when he burnt the skin on his back leaving all his nerves dead (literally!!). We were all there listening to the drama waiting for the real stuff, you know what he did in the office apart from shooting 4 guys in the face on a daily average, when all of a sudden he took a bow and left. That was it. We are at war!!!
barsaiyan tum choot ho!
@shekhu da: Whassamatter dude? No babes in Bristol? :P
"Somebody is spreading rumours about me in the office"
thank god, i am not involved in a rumour for a change [:D]
this is an antiquity business, selling the old rotten contents in a new packaging, "Budhi ghodi chadhi lal lagaam"..
With this action of yours, the MME dept., I.I.T. Kanpur snatches away your B. Tech. degree for the henious and unholy act of yours, doing WORK and being CALLED upon to DELIVER the GOOD (how unMMEian you are ex-chachaji)!
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