Divine comedy

"Um, Death!"
"Yea?"
"Urgent call for you, man just got shot."
"Dude, I had just settled in the tub! The bubbles had only begun to hit the right spots, if you know what I mean."
"First of all, that wasn't very subtle. Everybody knew what you meant. Second of all, dude I'm the frikkin Alpha-Omega shit! I know what everybody means all the time, and I know a fuckload of other stuff too."
"All right all right your cockiness, what's the assignment?"
"Check it out for yourself."

(Cut to the hospital scene)

"Man I can't believe she shot me! Who would've fuckin thought that?"
"Dude you're dying and you still can't stop making references to Reservoir Dogs! Cut it out man!"
"Sorry dude, but it's just that my life was brilliant, my love was pure. I saw an angel..."
"Shut up, just shut up okay! And James Blunt?? Is that sissy the best you could think of on your death bed?"
"I'm dying okay, I can finally admit I really like that sissy. I also like Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, 911, 98 Degrees, Code Red, and all other hunky boy bands from the 90s."
"Whoa! Dude, you're lucky you're dying, otherwise we would've mocked you to death anyway."
"I know."
"Man you're such a loser!"
"Hey, I'm in pain!"
"Alright Edward Norton, just take it easy."
"You're the only one who understands me."
"I know, and boy am I sorry about that! Anyway, your girl is here, I'll leave you two alone for a while."
(Friend leaves)
"Hi baby"
"Hey Leslie"
"The doctor said..."
"I know, I'm sorry but this is it."
"This can't be happening. God can't be so cruel."
"Well, apparently he can. Anyway, there's something I needed to tell you"
"What is it?"
"Well, I never really loved you Leslie"
"What?"
"Yea, I don't even know what that word means. You were just hot and randy, and so...."
"I can't believe this Tom! Why would you tell me this in your dying moments?"
"Umm..I thought I should confess my sins on my deathbed. It was always about the sex Leslie."
(girl breaks down into a horrible cacophonous wail)

(Cut to heaven)
"Wow!"
"I know, that's really clever of him to insult her on his deathbed. There's nothing much she can do about it. He's dying anyway."
"Hey, know what'd be fun?"
"No dude, I'm Death, I only know what'd be tragic or gross or gory or.."
"Yea yea I get the drift. Anyway, what if we let this guy live?"
"What? How? He's been shot in the gut four times! Who would believe that?"
"Dude they believe the Rambo movies!"
"Good point. So what if we let him live?"
"Don't you see man? His friends are gonna disown him, his girl is gonna dump him, he's gonna wish for death but he ain't gonna get it. Oooh I feel so deliciously malevolent!"
"Dude you're pure evil! And to think the humans fear your poor helpless pet dog Satan!"
"I told you they'd believe anything. Anyway, you go back to your bubble bath. I'll stay and see how this plays out."
"Righty-O"

(Hospital)
"Mr. Tucker"
"Yes doctor?"
"Good news, you're gonna make it"
"What the fuck?"

(Song playing on radio stations all over the world)
"O mommy, o daddy, I am a big ol' baddy!"