These are a few of my favourite quotes on God and religion.
Friedrich Nietzsche was probably the most blasphemous person ever. Sample these:
God is a thought which makes crooked all that is straight.
God is dead: but considering the state Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown.
I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.
Is man merely a mistake of God's? Or God merely a mistake of man?
- All Nietzsche
Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lottery, dating and religion.
- Scott Adams in The Dilbert Principle
If God is so smart, why do we fart?
- Scott Adams in The Religion War
God is a sound people make when they're too tired to think anymore.
- Edward Abbey
I don't believe in God, but if I did, he would be a black, left-handed guitarist
- Matthew in Dreamers
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
- Woody Allen
I expect death to be nothingness and, for removing me from all possible fears of death, I am thankful to atheism.
- Issac Asimov
I have more faith in my plumber than I do in the eternal being. Plumbers do a good job. They keep the shit flowing.
- Charles Bukowski
How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in his divine system of creation?
- Joseph Heller in Catch 22
I've never understood how God could expect his creatures to pick the one true religion by faith — it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe.
- Jubal Harshaw in Stranger in a Strange Land
It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.
- South Park
I think that if there were a God, there would be less evil on this earth. I believe that if evil exists here below, then either it was willed by God or it was beyond His powers to prevent it. Now I cannot bring myself to fear a God who is either spiteful or weak. I defy Him without fear and care not a fig for his thunderbolts.
- Marquis de Sade
Respectable society believed in God in order to avoid having to speak about him.
- Jean-Paul Sartre
If I were granted omnipotence, and millions of years to experiment in, I should not think Man much to boast of as the final result of all my efforts.
- Bertrand Russell
I've been worrying about God a little bit lately. It seems as if he's been lashing out, you know, destroying cities, annihilating places. It seems like he's been in a bad mood. And I think it has to do with the quality of lovers he's been getting. If you look at the people who love God now, you know, if I was God, I'd need to destroy something.
- Salman Rushdie
I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious ideas of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God. So far as religion of the day is concerned, it is a damned fake... Religion is all bunk.
- Thomas Alva Edison
God is a mean kid on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.
- Bruce Nolan in Bruce Almighty
Even though I've found God, I still love blow jobs, and I still say "fuck".
- Dave Mustaine
I see only with deep regret that God punishes so many of His children for their numerous stupidities, for which only He Himself can be held responsible; in my opinion, only His nonexistence could excuse Him.
- Albert Einstein
I looked and looked but I didn't see God
- Yuri Gagarin, after becoming the first person to orbit the earth
I do not think it is necessary to believe that the same God who has given us our senses, reason, and intelligence wished us to abandon their use, giving us by some other means the information that we could gain through them.
- Galileo Galilei
Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are a God.
- Jean Rostand
Religion easily — has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
God says do what you wish, but make the wrong choice and you will be tortured for eternity in hell. That, sir, is not free will. It would be akin to a man telling his girlfriend, 'Do what you wish, but if you choose to leave me, I will track you down and blow your brains out.' When a man says this we call him a psychopath and cry out for his imprisonment/execution. When a god says the same, we call him loving and build churches in his honor.
- Computer programmer, Chuck Easttom (William C. Easttom II)
If the gods listened to the prayers of men, all men would quickly have perished: for they are always praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus
You don't fuck around with the infinite
- From Martin Scorsese's Mean Streets
If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
- Voltaire
I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck.
- Anonymous
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